I will die if light touches me.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
