i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
