Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
