the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
