hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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