the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
