I want to make a zoo with you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
