Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My vagina is very pro this idea
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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