Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
