so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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