If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
