I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize