You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
