RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
