i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
