Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
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