she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
