Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
