The maid of honor just puked.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
