Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
