The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
