Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
