I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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