do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
