Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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