And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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