Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
In America we eat man semen.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
