Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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