im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
