I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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