you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bring me that man meat
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
