How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
