I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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