WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
