hell yes lets make some ravioli
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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