You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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