dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
