I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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