I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The police scanner is talking about you again....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
