If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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