I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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