I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
