i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
