i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
