Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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