the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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