He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
