I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
