i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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