He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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