the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
