Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
