I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
