I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize