I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
