So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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