just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
