Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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