It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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