The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
