Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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