We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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