I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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