drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
