Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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