You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
