She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
